Creating a New Me? Really?

Do you remember the moment you realized who Jesus was? The minute that God became real to you? The instant you realized the Spirit moving in your life to fulfill Gods desire for you in your life? Boy I do.

I had many people over the course of my life looking out for me ...so to speak. I didn't know it then. It became clear on my lowest day. On my absolutely lowest, most hopeless, most depressing day, I found out.


And I am speechless, I'm astonished and amazed
I am silenced by your wondrous grace.
You have saved me
You have raised me from the grave.
And I am speechless in your presence now.
I'm astonished as I consider how
You have shown us
A love that leaves us speechless

~Stephen Curtis Chapman~

I had heard all the stories and was involved in an energetic and spiritually alive youth group as a young adult but over the next 7 or 8 years the realities of "life" encamped around me drawing my attention away from what I knew was the truth. I still attended church, not with the same fervor and regularity, but I attended. I "honored" my wife and loved my son. I worked and worked some more. I tried to keep up with what I thought were the right things to do. But I was drifting and so was my wife.

She said straight out, "I want a a divorce". Like she had considered it for a very long time and was finally resolved to it. "I want a divorce". That was it. No explanation. No reconsideration. No sympathy. She didn't mince words. Didn't feel the need to address it subtly, gently, tenderly.

I was crushed. I had lost my wife, my son... everything. I still had a job but I didn't care. I was 27 and everything that was near and dear to me had left me. I was alone. I was hurt. I was angry. I was tired. I was alone. I was humiliated. I was lied to. I had no hope, no backbone, no reason...no reason and no hope, and then no desire...and then no desire to go on. I wanted out.

I was sitting in the living room of a dear friend who had listened to me one last time complain about my problems and what had by now become a well rehearsed re-enactment of all the unfortunate events take taken place in my life. He grabbed my hands, as he often had, and said "John, I need to pray with you now."... and he did.

To be honest, I don't remember his prayer. Not one word. I was so overcome by an incredible sense of love. I don't remember what he said. But I do remember a voice , kind and gentle, that walked me through the path that had been my life. He made clear to point out each and every step along the path where he had placed someone there just for me , just when I needed them, just in time.

I can tell you they were no few occasions. They were many. Far more than I could have possibly imagined and as overwhelmed as I was by the realization, I was more overcome by the voice. Patient and kind relating in perfect tune and time to the beat of my heart and my soul.

God loved me and he spared no expense showing me at that moment as he tried to at each event if I would only have looked to him. He sent his son to plea for me, he sent his spirit to guide me along the way. And his son offered himself in the ultimate sacrifice, a full measure, for me.

I cannot look at the cross and not see Jesus face looking , lovingly, straight into my eyes. And then, lifting his gaze up into heaven, I can hear him say, Father, I have found him.

These are after all, the musings of a mind that wanders.