CAUTION: MY EYES HAVE OPENED!!!!

I am a Liar. I've concluded that, for all my ranting and raving, I am a liar. Okay, maybe liar is too strong a word. How about ...HYPOCRITE? How does hypocrite feel? Better. Okay...

I am a hypocrite! For all my ranting and raving, I have concluded I am a hypocrite. I never follow my own advice. I complain about the conditions of the world, our society, our country, our schools, our kids, YOUR kids, the air, the traffic, customer service, prices, my boss, my job, my employer, the temperature of my coffee...everything. I may not have any solutions but I sure know where the problems are and I am not shy about letting you know what they are, why they are and, in my opinion, who's fault they are. More than that...you would be hard-pressed to convince me that any of the problems are my fault! When I started this I promised I would be honest if nothing else. I would be honest and transparent or exactly "I can promise you honesty and absolute openness". That's what I said in my first post. Go ahead read it.

I've done some self-examination and I haven't been so open...so honest.


Let me begin with this: I'm not such a bad guy. I have issues. I'm always late. I'm often self-absorbed, I lack any sense of attention span. I find it hard to sit through almost any movie at home. I don't like change and that's okay with me. I'm so stuck in a rut that I could eat the same dinner everyday. So I have issues..... don't we all.

That's not to say I don't have my good points. I do. I work hard. I'm not afraid to sacrifice things I want for my family. I faithful...sort of(more to come on this.) I clear my plate. I love and care for animals. I work in my own way to save the environment. I love God. I try to live my life how God wants me to live. I'm relatively smart and and am able to reason things out when given the facts. Not a long list but not so bad.

Here's the thing.

Under self examination I don't look like such a bad guy....on the surface. But I have specific information about the man you can't see. I know what he thinks and feels. And while his heart is in the right place, often the expression is less than perfect. I can he cold and hard-hearted. Distant and uncaring. I often get so wrapped up in myself that I forget others exist. And it gets worse.

I do a lot of volunteering. I believe that giving back to society is important. But, secretly, I find I put myself in volunteer positions that get me noticed and I have to ask myself...is it really because I feel its important to give back? Or ... do I just want people to think it is important to me to give back. I've begun to wrestle with that.

Honestly I want to leave this world better than I left it. I have been the benefactor of many people who, out of kindness and perhaps there own desire to make this a better world when they leave it, seemed to be where I needed them to be exactly when I needed them to be there. It is their willingness to be there that troubles me about my own "humanitarian" effort.

I have begun to recognize that my volunteerism takes the same shape of the christian who prays loudly and often in the company of others so as to witness to their own Godliness. I need to get on my knees and beg forgiveness and then find a way to put God first in everything I do. I need to get off the float in the big parade and learn to let God have center seat. It's about time I matured as a christian and practice what I so often preach about others.

These are, after all, the musings of a mind that wanders.

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