There have been times, many times, when I have forsaken what I believe and who I believe in for the more temporal pleasures that surrounded me at the time. I have been so drunk I could not walk straight, so high I could not stand strait, so angry I could not talk straight, and so hurt I could not see straight. Sometimes all of them at the same time. I often look back and am embarrassed by what I've said, what I've done, and who I've hurt. Sometimes all at the same time. I have lied , cheated, and stolen.
I have put on airs. I have pretended to be what I'm not and exaggerated about what I got, how I got it and who I got it from. I talk the talk. I walk the walk....sometimes... but rarely at the same time. I am a fraud. Pure and simple. Some have told me how they respect the way I live my life. Others, those who really know me, just shake their head and walk away. And then there are those few who, unashamedly, don't hang there head. They bow there head. They bend their knee. They pray for me...and.. tell me so...and remind me about my behavior, lovingly.
They point me to the savior who, at long last, I glimpse as if across a crowded room. I look away and look again and he catches my eye. I see him way over there and he's smiling and calling me and pleading me to just come ... come back...come back to him. And I want to. More than anything I want to, but I can't keep my eye on him. I'm sure he's forgotten me but every now and then I catch a glimpse of him.
He is always there encouraging, trying to stay in sight, trying to teach me to hold on tight, and I'm sure, wondering if I'll ever get it right. But he's always there. Always trying to stay in sight...and waiting...and his people are praying, and his servants are saying "don't follow me. Follow him."
He's there across the room. Getting closer, pleading for me, fighting for me, rejoicing over me as I fall at his feet and into his arms. I know I am home. I know I am loved. I know......
These are, after all, the musings of a mind that wanders.
3 comments:
John ~ Thanks for taking an honest and brutal look at yourself and then having the courage to share it with us.
I have linked to this post from my blog.
Thanks. It the reason I started this. To be honest even in the hard things. I admit I havent been so honest always. But when you come face to face with the savior honesty doesnt seem that threatening. I appreciate your kind words.
John your post brought back a lot of memories for me. Yes I have been all of those things as well. Except a democrat, never that. (just joking, I do not like either side AT ALL) Anyway, I have been doing some reading of your site. You have a wonderfully captivating style. If you are ever out looking for a group of fellow believers, that believe nothing the same, but enjoy lively debates and friendship, I would invite you to check out our neighborhood. If you don't like it, I understand. We ARE on the wrong side of the tracks anyway. But we have fun there, and someone almost always brings a snack.
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